Huh?
by Bob McDob
Summary: It's frightening, grotesque, full of gratuitious sex and violence. You know you want it. ^_^


Huh? Lime-flavored, gory, random acts of fanness ahead. I'll explain later. ^_^ Abandon all hope, ye who read past here.   
  
  


"I want to be on top!" 

Right then za chorus of singing Ooofa Loofas popped in. "I'm on, top of the world!" The Loofas vanished. 

Several blinks were exchanged between the two arguers. Then they shook their heads and forgot about it. 

"Fuggedabout it!" screamed a Disembodied Loofa voice. 

The two ignored it. "No! You were on top last time!" 

"Well, you were on top for the two nights before that!" Shinji shouted. 

"What? Don't tell me you didn't enjoy the view!" Asuka grinned haughtily. 

"You actually watch that show!?!" 

"Not that view, baka!" Asuka fwapped Shinji on the head. 

"Oof!" 

"Woof woof!" 

Two pairs of eyes scanned the room for the source. 

"Eh heh...Beam us out Scotty!" The dog shimmied and faded out. Peace. Word out. 

"That's what you get for screwing with the Great One, you dummkopf!" 

"Screw you guys, I'm outta here!" Thirty Cartman look-alikes leaped out from their hiding places in the room and scurried out. 

"Hey! It's not like you didn't ask me to screw you!" Shinji retorted. 

"Why do YOU always have to get the top bunk?" 

>>>>>> 

SATELLITE OF LOVE - 0800 HOURS 

Several dozen MSTers rose from their seats. 

"LUNCH BREAK!!!" 

A stampede of feet trampled to the door. Tendo-Jinnai Pizza Delivery were going to make a lot of money off this one. 

>>>>>> 

MEANWHILE, BACK ON EARTH... 

Growing weary of arguing, the girl decided to play her trump card. She pulled out an oversized tuba and... 

Asuka glared at the author. 

Heh heh...that joke doesn't really work...does it... 

Asuka whacked the author on the head with the tuba and left him to run around with the bell on his head like a decapitated chicken. 

Shinji glanced at her. "Asuka, you're not going to hypnotise me with your bouncing breasts again". 

"Yes I am!" 

"It won't work". Shinji proved this by staring for five whole seconds. Nobody noticed he was staring at the wall. 

_Verdammt...not even a nosebleed! Oh well...I can fix that easily enough..._ Asuka grinned like a rabid hyena, whatever that looks like. 

"Um, Asuka?" Huge sweatdrop here. 

Asuka smirked as she pulled out a Magnum .45. This was highly unusual for several reasons, the primary one being the two teenagers were naked. 

>>>>>> 

SATELLITE OF LOVE 

"WHOO HOO!!! I WAS RIGHT!!!" 

"Sit down, Crow". 

At that moment a bubbly girl of about 13 bounced in. "Hi! I'm Miya! I'm a self-insert character!" She grinned cutely. ^_^ 

The inhabitants of the theater either smiled, fainted or barfed. One as-yet-unnamed MSTer frowned. 

"YOU can't be the author! The author's a GUY! You're not even a friend of the author. This author has no friends!" 

"'WAAAAAH!!!" cried the author, who began weeping uncontrolably. 

The anonymous MSTer scowled. "Shut up!" 

"Aw, thought I could fool you guys with that one!" Miya sighed. "Oh well". Her voice changed frighteningly Eeevhal. "This masquerade has gone on eleven seconds too long. I am -" 

"Batman?" 

>>>>>> 

EARTH - JAPAN - TOKYO-3 

"Uh...Asuka? Where'd you get that gun from?" 

"None of your damn business, baka-Shinji" Der Redhed showed her fangs. I'm not going to even TRY to make a joke about that. (remembers "Spagetti Incident") -shudder- 

Asuka then procedded to kill Shinji in a gratuitously violent and sexual way while the author was busy vomiting and tying a tourniquet around his nose. 

Right on time, the door burst open. "What the hell is -cough- -sputter- -ackkkk- Misato collapsed on the floor. 

A trio of Oomfa-Loofas burst onto the scene and performed CPR. 

All of a sudden, the author - wheezing, coughing, and limping - burst into the room. Or crashed, actually. 

"Due to my current absence of thought and mental condition - " 

"As usual" one of the Loofas remarked. 

"Shaddap, Bill. I will not be continuing this fic. 

"YAY!" 

"...I want a donut...". The author collapsed from lack of oxygen. A group of Loofas plopped him onto a gurney and wheeled him away, screaming "Breathe through your mouth! Your MOUTH!!" 

Asuka sulked because she didn't get to shoot the author in the head and then skipped away to make frisky monkey-love with Pen-Pen. 

>>>>>> 

SATELLITE OF LOVE 

"I won't even try to joke about that". 

"Good boy". 

>>>>>> 

YOU KNOW THE DRILL... 

Back in the ER, the author went into cardiac arrest. 

"Nasty head wound. Prepare for a brain transplant" Dr. Gumby ordered, ignoring the fact that the author had not, in fact, been shot in the head. The surgeon readied his scalpal. 

>>>>>> 

Thirty miles away, SEELE gathered in a tiny, pitch-black room. 

"Si, what will become of Rabid Asuka and Sukebi Shinj?" 

"Ikari Shinji is dead" 

"You know as well as I do that means little in our present state" 

"I'd punch you in the gut if I could see you" 

"I do not have any internal organs. Or external, for that matter, Karui" 

Karui smirked, although it was difficult to tell in the dark. "Maybe that explains why you have no spine" 

"YOU *******!!!" SEELE..., um, we'll call him Manny, screamed and lept into the wall, causing a massive brawl that destroyed SEELE headquarters. Manny tended to be very touchy about being an invertebre. 

"Even clinically dead the author tortures us", SEELE 9 remarked dryly. 

"Shut up and lay still!!!" 

Meanwwhile, Keel Lorenz slipped out of the room unnoticed, and proceded to fly to Acapulco where he became a Buddhist monk and balanced beach balls on his nose for tourists. 

>>>>>> 

SATELLITE OF LOVE 

On the other side of the theater, various unnamed MSTers lay on the ground in shock. 

"Whoa". 

"Yeah". 

Pause. 

"Seems like little Miya wasn't so cute and innocent after all" 

"Yeah". 

Pause. 

"I really could've gone without the whip, though" 

"Yeah. And the heels". 

"D'ya think the chair was nessesary?" 

"Maybe. After what she did to that poor guy - " pause for thought "I just don't know". 

Another pause. 

"She said she's going back to the Circus". 

"Yeah. Ain't that many jobs for an out-of-work lion tamer nowadays". 

"Well, she could - " 

"DON'T say it. Just DON't say it". 

[Why? What'd you think she was? Hentai.] 

>>>>>> 

Epilogue: 

"Rabid Asuka and Sukebi Shinji were confined to the deepest corners of the Author's mind, as was this fic. Apparently they are still alive and have violent, kinky sex every day. Um. 

"Rei was busy hijacking the ice cream truck. 

"Misato disappeared totally from existence. Okay, so she's really Michael Jackson's secret wife, but don't tell him that. 

"The author had his brain switched with a banana. Nobody ever noticed. He later won the Nobel Peace Prize in Astrophysics and denies having ever written this. 

"After getting over the loss of his beloved Asuka and Misato, Pen-Pen became an international Elvis impersonator, where he enjoyed massive publicity and wealth before being gunned down by the FBI and the Chinese Secret Police. He then proceded to Las Vegas and haunted the halls until the Ghostbusters were called in. He was last sighted in Florida shortly before its destruction at the hands of the Buyierfei by the First Monolith". 

"Erm, Kaji?" 

"Yes, Misato?" 

Misato facefaulted. "What in the hell are you babbling about?"   
  
  


Well, here's my attempt at justifying my actions ^_^;;;... It started with an idea akin to Heil Asuka!, Twister and Anta Baka!...and then it just spiraled out of control from there... Various parts of this was inspired by Evangelion: Is Nothing Sacred?, Strangely Darkfic, Asuka's Got A Gun, NEGV, and NGDBZ. Prolly others I wrote in subconsciously, too. ^_^ The REAL splurge for this fic came from all the MSTs I read (sometimes involving authors MSTing their own fic), and I though, well, why can't I MST my fic while writing it? (I know...I'm insane ^_^). 

Several references to Modern Dynasty by Jim Lazar (Ranma 1/2 continuation fic - extremely well written, check it out at http://www.animeprime.com ), Ee-Loong Toh's Ramen series (http://www.teloong.mcmail.com) and Steve Purcell's S&M (no, it's NOT what you think it is). And I don't own Evangelion, Ranma 1/2, El Hazard, MST3K, Calvin and Hobbes, Monty Python, or anything else mentioned. The only things I own are Miya and myself. And MAYBE the Ooofa Loofas, which themselves are derivatives from the Ooompa-Loompa's from Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, so I'm not going to go around saying I own them. I apologize for involving them in this.Please don't hurt me. I live to serve. (And to write, but that's another story...) 

A side note: This fic could easily have been more disgusting and perverted than it is - in fact, I had to tone it down quite a bit. Don't say I never did anything for you. ^_^ 

Ciao, 

Bob McDob   
myokawa@aol.com   
"Don't threaten me with a dead fish!" 

Oh yeah...C&C please! 


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